A little lesson in humility

The problem with having a blog is that you have to write stuff on it.  Otherwise, you probably should not have a blog.  I should not imply that there is a problem with having a blog.  The problem lies in the fact that if you have one, you should write on it.  Even if people totally ignore it.  With all that being said, what happens if you actually have nothing to say or write, yet you still feel obligated to write or say something.  Well, I guess we are about to find out.  I get tired of talking about myself.  Nobody may believe that, but it is true.  Me, me, me.  Look at me run.  Listen to me run.  Read about me running.  I think I will try to take the focus off me for today and talk about others. 

I have lost 14 pounds in the last couple months.  7 in the last month.  I am still eating well but just cut out most of the junk.  All of the junk.  I miss salt the most.  I have found that I used so much salt in the past that going cold turkey made everything taste like nothing.  A steak tasted like a shoe.  I've never eaten a shoe but I can imagine it would be fairly tasteless.  I used to love cold, leftover steak.  Pull it out of the fridge, pour salt on it, take a bite, pour more salt on it.  Etc, etc...ad infinitum.  <<<< I like using Latin phrases and words when I can.  It makes me look more smarter, I do believe.  As in, I used to eat steak fat, pork rinds, a carton of Ding Dongs, et al.  Et al is one of favorite Latin situations.  Now, I think I remember an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies where Jethro was speaking Latin.  Here's what I remember.  Granny, "Jethro, where did all the vittles git to."  Jethro, "Dang Granny, I et em all."  I learned a lot from the shows of the sixties. 

My running seems to be getting better.  I am definitely feeling more motivated again and started setting realistic goals.  For a pretty long time, I was eating lots of food, et al, and not running in a focused manner, ad infinitum, and sitting around wondering why I wasn't getting faster and/or losing weight.  Ibid.  Goals do not reach themselves.  Motivation mostly comes from yourself.  Something has to click.  I feel that something finally clicked.  I know that when I push myself, all aspects of my life seem to get a bit better.  Under acheiving makes one feel like crap. 

I will leave everyone with this.  Oofum, Daglus, Mootanufus.  This in Latin means, You do not get stronger without getting stronger, hard work pays off over time.  The people who made up the Latin language had a way of condensing  many thoughts and words into little, concise phrases.  For example, when Caesar said, "Et tu, Brutus?", I would have said, "What the hell Brutus?  Your stabbing of me is not only leaving me in physical pain but my feelings are hurt as well.  If you really did not like me, maybe we could have sat down and had a talk.  Now, please stop stabbing me because I feel as though I could die soon."  Instead, Caesar just said, "Et tu, Brutus?"  Short, to the point, remembered for centures.  If I could do that, my posts would be about three lines of verbiage.    So, to sum and conclude, I say again,"Oofum, Daglus, Mootanufus."

"Running keeps me sane."  House Vandeweghe

I think I should be one of People Magazine's most beautiful women and not Gweneth Paltrow

As I start obsessing over what will be my 8th official half marathon, I had a thought.  It is well documented by whoever listens to me that I keep swearing off anything with the word thon in it.  I actually swore off them after my first half marathon.  My first half marathon came after my first marathon.  My first marathon was the worst experience of my life.  It took forever.  I think my time was three and a half days.  As we all know, the crowds for these events are incredible.  It seemed that all of New York was out that day in 2007.  They were all cheering for me.  At least I'm pretty sure they were.    This cheering went on for the first part of the first day.  By day two, people had kind of forgotten about me.  Day three of my marathon came and the people were getting hostile.  They wanted me out of their city.  They finally said take your medal and get out.  I did, and I swore off thons.

There is an old saying that goes something like this, "If one cannot lie to oneself, then who can one lie to?"  It is old and someone said it.  No one knows who and no one really cares.  It is one of those things that someone said around a fire or beside a river and the scribes wrote it down and it got lost in the translation over time until I found it again and put it here.  I'm bringing it back because it applies to me. I lie to myself all the time.  I keep telling myself that I am not going to run this stuff anymore and then I do.  Right now I'm mad at myself because I don't feel that I am well enough prepared to do what I want to do.  Every race I run, I want it to be faster than the last.  I'm pretty sure that isn't going to happen this time.  I try and tell myself that I don't care.  That I can just run and be satisfied that I did it.  But that isn't me.  In addition, I'm just never that happy running 13.1 miles.  I am the happiest guy in the world when I'm done.  Well, about 20 minutes after I'm done, but not when I'm running.  I have moments, for sure, but it ain't every mile.  I've done enough half marathons, that I know when I'm at the starting line on Sunday, I am going to say, "what am I doing here?"  I also realize that I'm lying to myself again because I know why I do it.  Because I like a challenge.  I like to push myself.  I love the feeling when I'm done.  I say this to anyone...just running 13.1 miles is an accomplishment.  There was a time that I could barely run from telephone pole to telephone pole.  I know there are many people who can relate to that and I appreciate all the work that runners put into running.  I appreciate all the work people put into life.  It is not easy.

I have set a new goal for myself and that is to try to eat healthier.  I've rationalized long enough that I can eat what I want because I exercise a lot.  At my age, that is not the case.  It is hard to keep the weight off.  I have a goal weight in mind.  I want to make sure that I'm getting proper nutrition to ensure I keep muscle on while losing the weight I want.  I really want to see how fast this old body can go.  I do not feel I am at a plateau yet and I feel the need to really push.  I hope I have the will power to push it where I want it to go.  I would like to know, just once, that I reached some sort of potential that I have.  I love the quote by Steve Prefontaine.  "To give anything less than your best, is to sacrifice the gift."  We all have gifts, very few really appreciate them or use them to their potential.  I know I haven't.  I don't think it matters whether you are faster, stronger or smarter than someone else.  What matters is that you are as fast, strong or smart as you can be.  Wasted potential is a sad thing.  As you get older, it becomes more profound.   The feeling of lost potential.  You cannot get that time back, but, if you are lucky, you do have tomorrow.  I have tomorrow and there are some things that I want to do.

In conclusion, my concentration has been ruined by Jeopardy.  It is on, and I am trying to finish this and answer questions to Trebek.  If I were on that show, the realization has hit me that he would say, "Nourse, stick to running and lifting weights."  I'm okay with that.

Choices

This was a pretty good week of running.  I did 13 miles on Sunday.  That is the most since the marathon in October.  It seems like it has taken me a long time to get back to this distance.  Both physically and mentally.  The physical thing started with the knee issue.  That got better, but I couldn't seem to push it.  Couldn't get past certain mileage.  For a while, I thought I may have lost my love and desire for running.  It seemed to coincide with my loss of feelings for my business.  I love to build.  I've spent years teaching myself the trade and the ins and outs of the business.  I made many mistakes.  My business plan was to make cabinets and sell them.  Pretty simple, really.  I jumped in and made lots of cabinets.  I loved it and I grew.  I got lots of jobs.  Too many jobs.  Knee deep in cabinets all the time.  I got behind.  I had some horrible customers.  I had some employees that milked me dry.  I was not the best manager.  When I say that, I need to make it clear that I would love to work for someone like me.  Someone who is passionate about what they do, and really only cared that the end product was good.  I am a person who hates being told what to do.  I'm quiet about it, but I hate being told what to do.  Probably makes me not such a great employee.  But my work ethic is strong.  I will work like a mule.  When the economy started to tank, I still had lots of jobs, but not lots of money.  I told myself this is not why I got into the business.  I did not want to be a manager who told people what to do and watched.  I'm hands on.  I want to be involved in the designing, the building, the installation, etc.  I started the business with a cavernous workspace.  Hardly any electricity, no showroom, no office.  On my first appointment, I had a brochure of door styles and a piece of paper to take notes.  I got the job.  I started framing out a showroom and office and making displays.  I worked all the time.  It was exciting.  Every time the phone rang it meant opportunity.  Over time, I became a slave to the business.  Payroll every week.  Overhead expenses.  I would dread when the phone rang.  I wanted to throw my cell phone in the river.  I finally had enough.  I wanted to downsize.  I wanted to be just me again.  But how to finish all these jobs with no employees?  Work all the time is how.  I had to deal with the fact that I was going to be behind, but the product would be nice.  I had some angry customers, but all the jobs got done.  I am proud of all of them.  The jobs, that is.  I got stiffed royally a few times.  Not getting paid at a time that I was already a bit sour on things really added to the fun.  But, I knew it would all be over as long as I stuck to my plan of not taking a job just for the money and not getting dependent on an employee or any other help.  This process took about two long years.  I finally cleared the slate around December of last year...2012.  I took a part time job.  Not because I didn't have work, but to see what it was like to do something else.  A couple days a week.  I like the job.  It is easy.  Just go to work, do my thing and go home.  Rinse and repeat.  It was a bit hard to balance that with the business at first, but I started to get used to it.  I thought maybe I should just get out of the business entirely.

My running during the last few years sort of became my sanity.  I would run when I could fit it in.  I'd save my Saturday mornings for the running group.  I would almost always work after the run, but I wouldn't schedule anything until I had run.  I remember having an appointment after a 13 mile run a few years ago and I could barely stand up.  I am in much better shape now, but then 13 miles was monumental.  I had to ask them if it was okay if I leaned on their table.  I explained that I was training for a half.  I would laugh sometimes at what I thought was going on in people's minds.  Here's this cabinet guy who could barely walk and he's saying he is going to do a half marathon.  He has to be full of crap.  Anyway...my worst days in the business sort of coincided with my best days of running.  2012 had me dreading work yet I was pr'ing in every race I entered.  The year ended with the marathon in October, running wise.  Business wise, it was December.

I still don't blame my knee issue on running.  My knees have gotten much stronger since I have been running more in the last few years.  I blame my job for my knee issues.  Kneeling, carrying...whatever. But, my knee was hurting for a long time.  Did the marathon hurt it?  Did the job hurt it?  Both. probably, but for the first time, I could not do both.  I needed to take a break from running.  Because of the business.  If I can't walk, I can't make money.  Two things that I loved to do were hurting me.  One financially and physically and the other physically.  I considered quitting both.

My part time job offered me a full time position this week.  I had a few days to think about it.  My running, to me anyway, pretty much was not going well.  I was thinking why bother anymore.  I can lift weights, and do other things.  Then, this week happened.  13 miles and it felt good.  Sprint work a few days later and that felt really good.  5 miles and dinner with some great friends on Wednesday, and today another 6 with more great people.  After my run today, I installed a bathroom vanity that I custom made.  My customer told me what nice work I do.  I called the part time people and told them that I was going to stay part time.  I've decided to stick with the business and the running.  I have way too much invested in both to quit.

I've been reading a book by Og Mandino.  The Greatest Salesman in the World is its name.  I haven't read a motivational book since my days in the mortgage business, but I thought I could use it.  Here is a quote that I like from it.

"I will live this day as if it is my last.  And what shall I do with this last precious day which remains in my keeping?  First, I will seal up its container of life so that not one drop spills itself upon the sand.  I will waste not a moment mourning yesterday's misfortunes, yesterday's defeats, yesterday's aches of the heart, for why should I throw good after bad?

Can sand flow upward in the hour glass?  Will the sun rise where it sets and set where it rises?  Can I relive the errors of yesterday and right them? Can I call back yesterday's wounds and make them whole?  Can I become younger than yesterday?  Can I take back the evil that was spoken, the blows that were struck, the pain that was caused?  No.  Yesterday is buried forever and I will think of it no more.

I will live this day as if it is my last."

Now, I've got to get some sleep.  I have to run in the morning and I have lots of shit to build.

Turning a negative into lemonade

Bob -

I will admit that my running has been not so eventful for awhile.  Some soreness, lots of work and other issues has kept me from exercising as much as I would like.  I tend to beat myself up over this and other things in my life that disappoint me,  until I can find some rationalization for everything.  Then, I can somehow make myself feel better.  In the past, I have referred to this phenomena as going into my man cave of denial.  This is where everything is better than it seems.  My happy place.  It just isn't real, which may or may not make me crazy.  But, like Freud used to say back when he was alive, "you ain't crazy if you don't think you are."  I really don't know if I agree with that, because my personal opinion is that those of us who admit that we are a bit nuts are far more sane than those who think they aren't.  When and if I complete my time travel mechanism, I am going to go back and have a talk with Freud and  maybe have a cigar and some scotch.  What does this have to do with running?  Who knows?  The point of it all is that I haven't run enough as of late and I feel a bit out of sorts.  So, I analyzed the situation and came up with some stuff that I can feel good about.  Instead of feeling bad about not running so much, I figured that I will focus on the positives.  For example, on Thursday, I wasn't even hungry, yet I was able to eat a double cheeseburger from Wendy's.  I then pushed myself to consume all the fries as well.  All this while driving.  I got my head stuck in the bag driving 65 mph trying to get the last fry and was still able to control the car.  This takes tremendous athletic ability and cat like concentration...or reflexes.  Whatever, I did it.  What I don't like to talk about, because it makes me seem like I am bragging, is that I ate the burger without having any ketchup or salt.  Consuming the whole thing without it having its full flavor potential was tough, but I got through it.  I pushed myself like I do for the last mile of a half marathon.  Think of the finish line.  Think of the medal.  In this case, my medal was the tomato I found plastered to my sweatshirt a few hours later.  I display that tomato with my marathon and half marathon medals.  On the wall of my office.  The great thing about a tomato medal is that you don't need a hanger for it.  You just throw it on the wall and there it sticks.  I did a double workout that day as well.  Some good friends and I ran under the stars and then went to Five Guys to eat.  I had another double cheeseburger.  With everything.  As bad as my first double cheeseburger was, the second was incredibly awesome.  Because I was sitting at a table, there was no medal.  Every morsel made it into my stomach.  Good, good day of eating.  So, my running has been bad, but I am eating like a champion.  Chariots of fire filled with fries and donuts.

Today, I decided that I have had enough of riding the gravy train.  The chuck wagon of self pity is pulling off the trail and I am putting on the running shoes.  I have been running, but my diet has been pretty awful and I can feel it in my workouts.  In all seriousness, I love to eat.  I am not going to stop, but I have been going crazy for a while.  Too many calories, not enough exercise.  Up to recently, I have been able to enjoy a lot of the food I like and work it off through running and strength training.  I said to myself today that this is it.  Time to get back on track.  As Freud loved to say, "sometimes a cheeseburger is just a cheeseburger, but with the right amount of condiments, it's a meal."  He was a strange guy.

 

Ed's lunch on Friday:  Double Cheeseburger, fries, Egg Nog Shake, and a diet coke.